me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.