Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear