I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
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Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*