[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.