My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.