sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…