I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
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parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
at ease…shoulder.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
They’re really bad with fonts.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.