Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning