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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Okey dokey.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
You wish you had this many chins.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation