Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Does your wife know you’re single?
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling