If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars