DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
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The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks