[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself