[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
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*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.