Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
What’s so funny?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
fourth time’s the charm
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you