On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.