[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
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my dog when i have a friend over
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.