No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
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He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…