It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
You Might Also Like
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.