Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what