Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯