Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Oh hi lol
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.