I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
You Might Also Like
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
This is my pinned tweet
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch