Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
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There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.