Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.