I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
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Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”