I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.