20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
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sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I have obtained a hat
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Breaking news:
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room