But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.