Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔