I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
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“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I’m aging like a fine banana
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
the official breakfast of 2021
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.