Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
happy mother’s day❤️
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!