Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
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Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
This trial is so absurd 😭
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.