Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
You Might Also Like
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Ah yes. The three genders
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.