Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
You Might Also Like
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons