I told y鈥檃ll leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 馃槶
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Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I鈥檓 sorry but you鈥檙e required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I鈥檒l never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you鈥檙e going to have to let him go at some point and he鈥檚 going to be pissed.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese鈥檚
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I鈥檝e never felt closer to her
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I鈥檓 at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.