The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Good morning
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”