We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”