I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
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Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.