Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it