I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass