*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
You Might Also Like
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”