Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
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Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?