“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.