I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
From Facebook just now…
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.