there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”