Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
this chia pet tastes awful