I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
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Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe