Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
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If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol