When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]